Author’s note: Earlier today an interdimensional wormhole opened above my desk and a copy of USA Today flew out. It seems to originate from a parallel universe in which American politics is very different from what we are used to, but also strangely familiar. For the benefit of readers, I reprint the front page story:

Embattled Spitzer Vows to Continue Presidential Run
14 March 2008

Albany, NY – New York Governor and presidential candidate Eliot Spitzer has vowed to continue his bid for the White House, despite being formally indicted today on charges of prostitution and fraud.

Spitzer is accused of spending more than $85,000 on prostitutes over the past ten years, including $4,300 for two hours with a single prostitute, Ashley Alexandra Dupré.

Speaking outside the courthouse in Albany, Spitzer affirmed his innocence and rejected calls to stand down his presidential campaign.

“According to the constitution, I am innocent until proven guilty. To bar an innocent man from running for president violates the spirit of freedom upon which this country was founded,? said Spitzer to cheers from his supporters.

He also repeated the claim that an unnamed political conspiracy is responsible for the criminal charges.

“I don’t know precisely who is behind it,? he said in response to a question from a reporter. “But these charges are clearly politically motivated, and they are clearly being orchestrated by people who want to undermine the will of the American people.?

Officials at the Justice Department and the FBI have denied the accusation.

Presumptive Nominee

Spitzer is the presumptive presidential nominee of the Democratic-Republican Party. He has won a series of uncontested primaries since the only other nominee, incumbent two-term President George W. Bush, dropped out of the race.

The Democratic-Republicans are the only major party in American politics. They control more than 400 seats in the House of Representatives, 100 seats in the Senate, and typically win more than 70% of the popular vote in presidential elections. Spitzer’s victory in November is virtually assured, his legal troubles notwithstanding.

However, the party has recently been plagued by factionalism and infighting.

Bush abandoned his quest for a third term after being decisively defeated on Super Tuesday. He is widely accused of being aloof, authoritarian, and failing to listen to members of his own party on issues such as the economy and the war in Iraq.

Despite his front-runner status in the Democratic-Republican primaries, Spitzer has been reluctant to specify where he stands on policy issues, or explain in detail how his presidency will differ from Bush’s. He has signaled that American macroeconomic policies will remain largely unchanged, noting that “these are not Bush policies, these are Democratic-Republican policies formed within the party?.

Nevertheless, Spitzer is seen as a populist, and has received most of his support from left-leaning factions of the party. His most vocal support has come from the AFL-CIO trade union federation and the Young Democratic-Republicans League. Both groups have expressed anger over the perceived shift to the right during the Bush years.

Spitzer’s support has not been damaged by his legal troubles. Many of Spitzer’s supporters share his suspicion that the charges are politically motivated, and a recent USA Today/Rasmussen poll showed support for Spitzer within his own party climbing rapidly as the scandal unfolds.

Women’s Groups Concerned

Spitzer remains controversial, however.

The Brady Campaign and other gun-control lobby groups have criticized Spitzer’s choice of campaign song, a chart-topping country and western single that includes lyrics such as “bring me my Colt 45?.

Women’s groups have expressed concern over the rhetoric of Spitzer’s supporters. Outside Albany Courthouse today, a huge crowd of his supporters waved placards with slogans such as “Innocent Until Prove Guilty? and “Burn That Bitch?. The latter is thought to refer to the prostitute who cooperated with the FBI in its efforts to build a case against Spitzer. She has been the victim of numerous death threats.

“This is completely unacceptable and inflammatory, and we would expect Governor Spitzer to distance himself from these sort of statements,? said a spokesperson for the National Organization for Women.

Spitzer said the rhetoric “has to be understood in context?.

“People are angry, and they have a right to be. We have a situation here where a gang of prosecutors are trying to determine the next president of the United States, and we’re not going to let them.?

Spitzer’s legal team has filed a series of constitutional challenges to the charges. Among other steps, he has attempted to have the testimony of the main state witness thrown out of the trial, alleging that it constitutes a form of entrapment.

Legal experts say they do not expect these challenges to succeed, but say they will most likely delay the outcome of the trial past the November elections. This has raised the possibility of a sitting US president facing criminal charges in court.

Abolishing the FBI

The indictment comes only days after Spitzer’s allies in Congress introduced legislation that would shut down the FBI, the federal law enforcement agency that investigated him. The legislation calls for the FBI to be dismantled within six months, and its agents transferred to local and state police forces.

The bill has been condemned by all opposition parties, including the Green, Libertarian and Reform parties.

Political analysts say that shutting down the FBI would not affect the case against Spitzer, but may be a thinly-veiled attempt to dissuade other law enforcement agencies from investigating senior Democratic-Republican politicians. It is also expected to hamper America’s ability to fight organized crime and terrorism.

Sponsors of the legislation deny that there is any connection with the Spitzer case.

“This law will ensure the separation of powers as mandated by the constitution,? said Speaker Nancy Pelosi (DR-CA), a co-sponsor of the bill. “It is unacceptable that we have an investigative agency working under the authority of the Justice Department, which should be focused entirely on its prosecutorial function?.

Pelosi noted that the FBI has a long history of abusing its power under controversial figures such as J. Edgar Hoover. She added that the legislation would alleviate jurisdictional conflicts between law enforcement agencies, and prevent the duplication of work by the FBI and the police.

Spitzer has thus far refused to become embroiled in the political debate over the future of the FBI.

“I am completely focused on my political campaign,? he said in a speech to supporters.

“The people have said they want me to be Democratic-Republican nominee, and I believe they will vote for me again in November. We’re going to show [the alleged conspirators] that elections are decided in the polling booth, not the courthouse. We’re going to prove that this nation is a healthy, functioning democracy.?